The Top 10 Facts You Didn’t Know About Federal Prison
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-The Top 10 Facts You Didn’t Know About Federal Prison-
Well… I’m quickly approaching my first full year as an inmate inside an administrative federal prison.
Gosh, it’s so crazy how time flies behind barbed wire.
To “celebrate” my almost 1 year of “successful” confinement, I thought it would be fun to write:
“The Top 10 Facts You Didn’t Know About Federal Prison.”
Please know — prison is an upside-down world with its own set of rules and regulations. I’ve chosen NOT to glorify the disgusting parts of prison in my letters because I believe it perpetuates an insidious evil that destroys generations.
However, I thought it would be fun to memorialize some VERY RANDOM federal prison facts in this letter and share my thoughts with all of you.
This handpicked “Top 10 List” will hopefully give you a small glimpse into the surreal day-to-day life I now live behind bars.
Enjoy 😉
-The Top 10 Facts You Didn’t Know About Federal Prison-
[Federal Prison Fact #1]
Every single person who enters federal prison will be assigned a “group” based on their race, skin color, city location, and criminal charge.
This designation is done by other inmates — not staff.
On your first day you must talk to the “shot caller” of your racial group and present your “paperwork” to be accepted. Failure to show your paperwork within 30 days can result in physical harm or automatic rejection.
Once your “clean paperwork” clears, you’ll be assigned to a “car” based on your previous city.
For example: If you’re Black and from Detroit, you sit with the “Black Group” and the “Detroit Car.”
Early into my journey, I declared myself solo/solano, meaning I have no obligation to hang with my assigned group — but also ZERO backup if something goes wrong.
To limit danger, I presented my VERY clean paperwork to multiple shot callers. They were all “impressed” and officially certified I was legit.
PHEW!!!
[Federal Prison Fact #2]
Never — EVER — under any circumstance say the word “BIT**.”
In prison, that word is a declaration of immediate violence.
Once spoken, inmates put their boots on and fill the designated room for a fight.
Thankfully, I rarely use profanity, so avoiding this one was easy.
[Federal Prison Fact #3]
Be prepared to be counted A LOT.
And I mean ALL DAY LONG.
The Golden Rule of prison: Never cause the count to be off. Prison staff and prisoners will PUNISH YOU for a miscount
Missing a count can also equal 60–90 days in The Hole.
After months in here, I now check clocks obsessively in fear of missing a stand-up count. Hopefully that habit fades once I’m home.
[Federal Prison Fact #4]
Always — ALWAYS — wear sandals into the shared showers.
Let’s just say… a lot of visible and invisible “things” live on those shower floors.
They’re cleaned ONLY once a week. Those poor shower tiles have "seen some things."
I shower around 5am for some hopeful privacy.
And don’t you worry — sandals are ALWAYS on.
[Federal Prison Fact #5]
When going “#2” in our 3-man bathroom stalls, you must do multiple courtesy flushes.
If inmates don’t hear you flushing, they’ll call you out to the rest of the hallway or possibly report you to the shot caller.
I was VERY confused by the nonstop flushing on my first day.
A kind inmate luckily pulled me aside and explained the unwritten rule about going #2.
[Federal Prison Fact #6]
When it comes to chow hall meals, “chicken on the bone” is every prisoner’s favorite.
They serve it every Thursday for lunch on our compound.
I, however, am NOT a fan — so I always substitute mine for a delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I look forward to every savory PB & J bite.
PB&J is easily my favorite meal in this place. And if you really know me, you already know that peanut butter has always been one of my daily essentials — practically part of my DNA at this point. So yes… I am VERY grateful they allow peanut butter inside these walls.
[Federal Prison Fact #7]
Postal stamps are an underground currency here.
One “stamp” is worth about $0.35.
You can gamble with them or buy snacks from other inmates.
I choose to NEVER carry stamps.
Stamp-heavy inmates become robbery targets and are heavily watched by staff.
Around here, I’m known as the poor monk who collects scraps of paper to write on, and I honestly prefer to keep it that way.
[Federal Prison Fact #8]
You are NOT allowed to "pass gas" in the chow hall or near food.
If you accidentally “let one rip” at the wrong moment, inmates will physically remind you that all "bodily gas" needs to be let out in the designated areas around the compound.
Funny, crazy thing — my body has fully adjusted to this rule.
If I’m near food, my stomach magically cooperates, which is great!
[Federal Prison Fact #9]
Handball is the most popular sport/activity on the yard.
But be warned — prisoners take it VERY seriously, and disagreements can lead to physical altercations.
I’ve personally never stepped foot on the handball court.
“Prison Golf” is the only sport I will playing out in The Yard.
[Federal Prison Fact #10]
Handmade prison cheesecake is shockingly delicious.
There are designated “cheesecake creators” on each floor — these are the prisoners you’re allowed to buy from.
My favorite flavor?
Peanut Butter Reese’s Cheesecake. (again with that peanut butter 😅)
SO. DANG. GOOD.
But I rarely buy it because I’m trying to keep my sugar low so I can come home shredded for my wife Noél 😉
Alright, I hope you enjoyed “The Top 10 Facts You Didn’t Know About Federal Prison” and got a little glimpse inside the black box of incarceration.
Again, I purposely choose NOT to promote the evil I witness daily.
People glorify prison life — and that fuels generational destruction for families with incarcerated loved ones.
I'd rather write about the incredible broken men who are working their hardest to FREE THEIR FAMILIES from the pain of incarceration.
These are my brothers.
They deserve to be seen.
Noél, Cambria, Willow, Lula, and Zion —
I promise to ALWAYS make you proud throughout this prison journey.
These barbed wire fences will NEVER break me.
I’m a Bartlett, and WE NEVER GIVE UP!!!
Love all of you,
Brett (A Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Fanatic!!!)
-A Note From Noél-
Gosh… I cannot believe we are coming up on a full year of my incredible husband being in federal prison. Time is such a strange, cruel thing in seasons like this. There are days when I just want it to speed up — to fast-forward through all this pain so Brett can finally come home to us.
But then, just as quickly, the guilt hits… because I’m watching our children grow, and I don’t want to rush a single second of their lives — especially because I don’t want Brett to miss any more of it. It’s like my heart is being pulled in two directions at once: longing for this nightmare to be over, while begging time to slow down so my husband doesn’t lose even more moments with his babies.
It feels like living in this impossible in-between — wanting time to hurry and slow down at the exact same time. And honestly, it just doesn’t seem fair.
Prison feels like another universe entirely. A place that makes no sense. A world most people will thankfully never have to understand. And yet… my husband of 16 years is living in that upside-down reality 24/7. It’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that the man I built a life with — the father of my babies, my person — wakes up every day behind barbed wire while the rest of the world keeps moving forward.
I’m so grateful Brett takes the time to write these informative “prison letters.” Because of his dedication to memorializing his journey, we all get a small glimpse into the surreal world of serving a federal prison sentence.
So many men in prison glorify the “prison lifestyle” and destroy their families in the process. I am SO PROUD of Brett for rejecting that convenient temptation and choosing to put his family first. He stays focused on us — on me, Cambria, Willow, Lula, and Zion — and is determined to prove worthy of a second chance at life. That is NOT an easy task while serving a lengthy sentence in a place that obliterates hope and crushes dreams.
Given the culture of prison, I know Brett has faced serious obstacles trying to maintain a productive and purpose-driven sentence. I admire and appreciate how he is following through with the promises he made to our family before he left. He is living proof that your past does NOT define you and that a bright future is available to any person willing to crawl out of their brokenness.
Reading my husband’s letters solidifies the fact that he will NOT be tempted or deterred from the path he has chosen. He truly believes he has been given a second chance at life, and he is determined to prove worthy of that blessing.
Brett’s transparent and authentic brokenness allows him to operate in complete freedom. God’s presence and guidance are TANGIBLE to him, because he needs it every single day to navigate and thrive in the pit of prison.
Just to be clear — I still hate the fact that the man I love is locked up thousands of miles away from me and the kids.
But I am beyond thankful that God met Brett behind barbed wire and gave him vision for a purpose-driven future. I’m still in awe that my husband is a prison puppy trainer. God is so, so, so good!!!
“Jesus, thank you for meeting my husband in one of the darkest places on earth and showering him with your abundant love and grace. Lord, he knows he is cherished and adored by his Father in Heaven. Your presence saved my husband in prison. Thank you, Jesus.”
Even though Cambria, Willow, Lula, Zion, Brett, and I are hurting, we will continue to glorify God’s goodness and give thanks during our family’s season of struggle.
I’ve learned that life is hard, and seasons of struggle absolutely SUCK.
But I’ve also learned that God’s goodness is REAL — and He will show up at the lowest and scariest parts of your life.
Always let Him turn your mess into a miracle.
The Bartletts will continue to worship, even while laying in the mud.
God’s got us.
WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP!!!
With so much love,
Noél (A wife who cannot wait to make her husband the most delicious Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich when he finally comes home from prison ;) )
